Why some people seem “impossible to please” and what that really means about compatibility
Let me ask you something: Have you ever been rejected by someone who seemed perfect for you on paper, only to be told your connection “just didn’t feel right” to them? Have you ever wondered why someone would walk away from what seemed like a good thing over what appeared to be minor incompatibilities?
Maybe you’ve encountered someone with a list of requirements that felt overwhelming or unrealistic. Maybe you’ve been told you’re “not ready” for something deeper without understanding what that actually means.
I want to help you understand what’s really happening in these situations—not to make you feel bad about yourself, but to help you recognize whether you’re operating from conscious awareness in your dating life, or whether you might still be caught in unconscious patterns that create chaos in relationships.
The Two Dating Worlds: Strategic vs. Conscious
Most of us learn to date strategically. We present our best selves, try to be what we think the other person wants, focus on securing the connection, and hope things work out once we’re “in.” We operate from scarcity, competition, and the belief that love is something we have to earn or win.
But there’s another way of approaching relationship—one that operates from consciousness, authenticity, and energetic alignment. People dating from this place aren’t playing games or trying to win anyone over. They’re seeking genuine compatibility on levels most people don’t even know exist.
The problem is that when someone operating from strategic dating meets someone operating from conscious dating, the strategic person often experiences this as rejection, pickiness, or impossible standards. But what’s really happening is a fundamental mismatch in operating systems.
What Happens When Needs Aren’t Met: The Hidden Cost of Incompatibility
Let me paint you a picture of what happens when someone with specific consciousness-based needs tries to make a relationship work with someone who can’t meet those needs. This isn’t theoretical—this is the lived experience of what happens when we ignore energetic compatibility in favor of surface-level attraction.
When someone’s core needs aren’t met in relationship, their nervous system goes into constant low-level stress. They might start experiencing chronic fatigue from trying to make an incompatible connection work. Their immune system becomes suppressed from ongoing energetic drain. They develop digestive issues from absorbing their partner’s unconscious energy, sleep disruption from nervous system dysregulation, and unexplained anxiety or depression that seems to come from nowhere.
Emotionally, there are constant arguments that seem to be about nothing and everything at the same time. There’s a feeling like you’re speaking different languages even when discussing simple things. Explosive fights leave both people confused about what actually happened. There’s a sense of walking on eggshells, never knowing what will trigger conflict, and feeling simultaneously too much and not enough for your partner.
The relationship itself starts deteriorating in ways that feel inexplicable. There’s growing resentment that neither person can fully explain. Sexual chemistry dies as emotional safety decreases. There’s increasing criticism and judgment of each other’s natural traits, a feeling of being drained rather than energized by time together, and the gradual death of excitement and aliveness in the connection.
This isn’t anyone’s fault—it’s what happens when two people with fundamentally different operating systems try to force compatibility that doesn’t exist.
The Consciousness Check: Are You Operating from Awareness or Patterns?
Here’s the thing about conscious dating—it requires a level of self-awareness and emotional maturity that not everyone has developed yet. And that’s okay, but it’s important to recognize where you actually are rather than where you think you are.
Take claiming, for instance. Can you actually allow someone to choose you fully without needing to maintain distance or control? Or do you need to feel like you’re “winning” someone over? Are you uncomfortable with anyone being too sure about you too quickly because you interpret their clarity as neediness or pressure?
When someone is certain about you, does that feel like a gift or does it feel threatening? Do you find yourself pulling back when someone expresses genuine interest, or do you lean into it? The conscious person can receive another’s certainty about them without making it mean something’s wrong. The unconscious person immediately starts looking for the catch or trying to regain the upper hand.
And what about commitment? When you recognize someone as a match, do you actually back up your interest with consistent actions? Do you structure your life to include them, or do you want the benefits of connection without the responsibility of commitment? Do you say you’re interested but your actions suggest you’re still shopping around? Are you making decisions as if you’re single while claiming to want partnership?
I’ve noticed that people operating unconsciously want access to someone’s energy, body, time, and wisdom, but they want to keep their options open. They want to claim someone situationally while maintaining their freedom to unclaim them when something better comes along. They don’t understand why this creates such instability for the other person.
Then there’s the question of authenticity. Are you showing up as who you actually are, or are you performing a version of yourself designed to secure the connection? Do you present an edited version of yourself and plan to “reveal the real you” once the relationship is established? Do you hide your real thoughts, feelings, or life circumstances because you’re afraid they’ll be dealbreakers?
The conscious person understands that if the real you is a dealbreaker, then this isn’t your person anyway. They’d rather be rejected for who they actually are than accepted for who they’re pretending to be. The unconscious person thinks they can bait-and-switch their way into love.
The Intensity Question
Here’s where a lot of people get tripped up. Can you actually handle intensity without trying to manage it? When someone feels things deeply and expresses fully, can you hold space for that without trying to tone them down or fix them? Or do you find yourself uncomfortable with strong emotions—yours or theirs?
I’ve watched so many people say they want depth and passion, but when they encounter someone who actually operates from that place, they immediately try to keep things “light and fun.” They see passion as drama and depth as heaviness. They want the benefits of an intense person’s aliveness without the reality of their full expression.
The conscious person can see intensity as vitality, not instability. They understand that someone’s big feelings and dramatic expressions might actually be how they move life force through their system. The unconscious person immediately starts trying to regulate that energy because it makes them uncomfortable.
And what about power? Are you secure enough in your own worth that your partner’s magnetism doesn’t threaten you? Or do you feel insecure when they get attention or recognition? Do you try to diminish their light so you can feel brighter? Do you see their strengths as threats to your position?
This is a big one because some people naturally command attention in rooms. They have what you might call a powerful presence. If you’re not solid in your own worth, being with someone like this can feel like being overshadowed or emasculated. You start competing with them instead of celebrating them.
The Safety Factor
Then there’s the whole question of safety and consistency. Do your words actually match your actions? Are you loyal and protective of your partner and your relationship, or are you hot and cold in your affection? Do you keep your partner guessing about your level of commitment? Do you use threats of leaving as manipulation during conflicts?
I’ve seen so many people who think they’re providing safety but are actually creating chaos because they’re not consistent. They say they want commitment but their actions suggest otherwise. They use other people or options as leverage when they’re upset. They don’t understand why their partner seems anxious or insecure when they’re the ones creating that insecurity through inconsistent behavior.
The conscious person understands that safety is built through consistent actions over time. They don’t say they love someone while acting like they’re still shopping around. They don’t threaten the relationship every time there’s conflict. They understand that true intimacy requires a foundation of trust that gets built through reliability.
The Growth Dynamic
Here’s another key indicator: Do you actually support your partner’s growth and evolution, or do you need them to stay small? Are you genuinely curious about their inner world, their patterns, their dreams and fears? Do you see getting to know them as an ongoing adventure, or do you think you’ve figured them out quickly?
The unconscious person often feels threatened by their partner’s interests or success. They want their partner to prioritize their needs over their growth. They see their partner’s passions as competition for their attention. They get bored once the initial mystery wears off because they’re not actually interested in depth—they’re interested in novelty.
The conscious person celebrates their partner’s passions, supports their evolution, and encourages their expansion. They see their partner’s growth as good for both of them. They remain curious about their partner even after years together because they understand that people are infinitely complex and always evolving.
And can you go deep, or do you stay on the surface? Do you welcome conversations about meaning, purpose, shadows, and growth? Do you see emotional and spiritual intimacy as essential to real connection? Or do you avoid depth and prefer to keep things light? Are you uncomfortable with vulnerability—yours or theirs? Do you think “heavy” conversations kill the romance?
Understanding the Rejection: It’s Not Personal, It’s Energetic
If you’ve been rejected by someone who seemed to have “impossible standards,” I want you to understand something important: it likely wasn’t personal. What happened was an energetic incompatibility that your conscious mind couldn’t recognize but their nervous system could feel immediately.
When someone operating from consciousness meets someone still caught in unconscious patterns, their body literally rejects the connection. It’s not about you being a bad person—it’s about fundamental incompatibility in operating systems.
They might have felt energetic depletion rather than activation in your presence. There might have been a sense of having to perform rather than being accepted as they are. Their nervous system might have activated in a way that felt like danger rather than excitement. There might have been an immediate knowing that this connection would require them to shrink or compromise their authenticity.
This is why they seemed to reject you for “no reason.” The reason wasn’t logical—it was energetic. Their system was telling them that this connection wouldn’t work, even if their mind couldn’t articulate why.
The Two Types of Chemistry
Most people think chemistry is about physical attraction, shared interests, and enjoying each other’s company. But there are actually two completely different types of chemistry, and confusing them leads to massive relationship problems.
Surface chemistry is about physical attraction and sexual compatibility, shared interests and similar lifestyles, enjoying each other’s company and having fun together, mental stimulation and good conversation, and social compatibility and looking good together.
Soul chemistry is about energetic resonance and nervous system compatibility, aligned consciousness and similar levels of personal work, mutual recognition of each other’s authentic essence, the ability to be fully yourself without performance or editing, and growth-oriented connection that expands both people.
Surface chemistry can create intense initial attraction, but without soul chemistry, the relationship becomes increasingly draining over time. You might have great sex but terrible communication. You might enjoy each other’s company but fight constantly about seemingly nothing. You might look perfect together but feel completely alone in the relationship.
Soul chemistry, on the other hand, creates sustainable connection. Even when conflicts arise, there’s an underlying resonance that helps you work through challenges rather than just fighting about them. Even when passion wanes temporarily, there’s a deeper aliveness that gets rekindled because you’re fundamentally compatible.
The problem is that most people mistake surface chemistry for soul chemistry. They think that physical attraction plus shared interests equals compatibility. They don’t understand that you can have incredible surface chemistry with someone and still be completely wrong for each other energetically.
The Conscious Dating Advantage
When you develop the capacity to date consciously, several things shift. You stop taking rejection personally because you understand that energetic incompatibility doesn’t mean either person is flawed—just that you’re not a match. You become more selective because you can feel the difference between surface chemistry and soul chemistry, and you’re no longer willing to settle for connections that look good but feel draining.
You create less drama because you’re operating from authenticity rather than strategy, which eliminates most of the game-playing and manipulation that creates relationship chaos. You attract more conscious partners because like attracts like—the more authentic and aware you become, the more you magnetize people operating from similar consciousness. And you experience more satisfaction because your relationships actually meet your needs rather than just looking good from the outside.
But here’s the thing—conscious dating requires conscious people. If you’re still operating from unconscious patterns, you’re going to keep attracting other people operating from unconscious patterns. You’re going to keep creating the same relationship dynamics over and over, wondering why love feels so hard.
The Choice Point
Reading this, you might recognize yourself in some of the unconscious patterns I’ve described. That’s not something to feel bad about—it’s something to get curious about. We all started dating unconsciously because that’s what we were taught.
The question is: Are you willing to do the work to become more conscious?
This means getting honest about your own patterns and triggers. It means developing emotional regulation skills so you can handle intensity without trying to control it. It means building a sense of self that doesn’t depend on relationship status for validation. It means learning to communicate directly rather than through manipulation or game-playing. It means becoming genuinely curious about others rather than just focused on getting your needs met. And it means developing the capacity to see people as they are rather than as you want them to be.
If this feels overwhelming, you might not be ready for conscious dating yet—and that’s okay. But if you keep encountering people who seem “impossible to please” or finding yourself in relationships that create chaos despite good intentions, it might be time to consider that the problem isn’t finding the right person—it’s developing the consciousness to recognize and maintain healthy connection when you find it.
The Invitation
Conscious dating isn’t about having perfect relationships with no challenges. It’s about having relationships where the challenges actually lead to growth rather than just repeated drama. It’s about finding someone whose nervous system feels like home to yours, whose authentic self you genuinely love rather than tolerate, whose presence makes you feel more yourself rather than less.
If you’re tired of relationships that drain you, if you’re exhausted by dating games and manipulation, if you want connection that actually nourishes rather than depletes—consider this your invitation to develop the consciousness that makes that kind of relationship possible.
It’s not about finding someone who meets an impossible checklist. It’s about becoming someone capable of recognizing and maintaining soul-level connection when you encounter it.
The people with “high standards” aren’t trying to be difficult—they’re trying to protect something precious. And if you develop the consciousness to recognize what that precious thing is, you might find yourself grateful for their standards rather than frustrated by them.
Because once you experience soul chemistry, surface chemistry will never be enough again.
